Fed up with waiting for a GP appointment? Disappointed when you do get one? Had enough of doctors and receptionists talking down to you?

Microsoft has teamed up with the NHS to create ChatGP, an AI that is your personal, private doctor. House calls? No problem – they’re already there. Feel like a stranger? No longer: ChatGP has read all your medical records and those of your family. ChatGP knows about your job, your employer, your employees and all your social media friends and activities.

Choose from a range of avatars of all ages, nationalities, languages, genders and personality types. Interview them and engage the one you want. You can even hire another one for second opinions. Your avatar will communicate with you at exactly the right level, whether you are a university professor or a complete imbecile.

ChatGP can communicate with a large number of devices like FitBit, blood pressure readers, pacemakers and other medical sensors and can analyse pictures and videos from your phone in real time to give you an up to the minute diagnosis.

Reports are texted to you, prescriptions sent direct to your chosen chemist, no-quibble referrals made to real-life consultants and your medical records are updated after each consultation. It can also book sessions at your gym and make appointments with therapists and other wellness related services. It can recommend dietary and lifestyle changes and provide advice gleaned from a database of twenty trillion agony aunt columns and daytime television shows.

Join the ChatGP beta testing team for free, or buy into one of the many health packages available from Microsoft, starting with ChatGP Lite at £399 pcm up to the ChatGP Premium Service available at the knockdown price of £1199 pcm.

Offers valid till end May 2023. 2% staff discount available to NHS and Microsoft employees (6 months only). Terms and conditions apply.

Team Christians has quit the Roman games citing mental health issues. Spokesperson Lucius Ectorius said “Preparing to be thrown to the lions takes years of training and is one of the most stressful sports there is.”

Three gladiators have tested positive for the performance enhancing drug opium novum and have been banned for five years. Emperor Titus was unavailable for comment.

Donald Trump has admitted being addicted to the bleach he recommended as an antidote to the corona virus. After convincing himself it was the best protection against the deadly COVID-19 which has already claimed over a million lives worldwide, it is a double irony that he has not only caught the virus himself but has also become addicted to the one thing he thought could save him.

On February 27 he made the claim that the outbreak would be temporary: “It’s going to disappear. One day, it’s like a miracle—it will disappear.” Then, on numerous occasions he declared “Coronavirus numbers are looking MUCH better, going down almost everywhere,” and cases are “coming way down.” And again that the pandemic is “fading away. It’s going to fade away.” (June 17) and “99%” of COVID-19 cases are “totally harmless.” (July 4).

It is well documented that regular consumption of bleach causes chronic delusional optimism, a kind of unconscious whitewashing of the facts and a compulsive airbrushing of inconvenient truths out of history. White House doctors are now asking whether the president’s addiction predates the pandemic and might have started in late childhood when these symptoms were first noticed. This predilection with what is now called “fake news”, combined with a total lack of empathy, are thought to be the main propellants of his phenomenal success in the business world.

Trump is seventy-four years old this year, overweight and in the group most vulnerable to COVID-19. Millions of people the world over, from hardworking middle class liberals to foreign presidents, are secretly praying this will be his last year and that the virus, heaven sent or otherwise, will end his post-truth ‘reign of error’ once and for all.